I myself have been through divorce twice as most of you know. The first one peaceful. We met young, got engaged young and found out we were expecting before we got married. We moved the wedding up and went on with what we thought would have been the path that was destined for us anyway. My parents passed away a year into our marriage and I pulled away. I needed to get away from anything that loved me and never wanted to lose someone again so I figured I would pull away to prevent hurt in the future. We have managed to be friends through the past 9 years. We don't always agree on topics involving our child, but we listen to each other and come together for her best interest. Like I said sometimes we growl at each other about it, but we can do that and still know that we both have the same well intentions in mind.
My second divorce (you have no idea how hard those words are to type. See, I hung on to a dysfunctional marriage for way to long just so that I did not have to say that this one failed as well. :( What should have been over years before, I held on to, thinking I could rehabilitate the person I was with.) I had seen behaviors that were not normal, relationships that were unhealthy between this man and his children, his parents and his ex-wife. I also saw the dysfunction in our relationship, but felt that I did not need to give up on him. That divorce was not so friendly. There are lots of things that go on that are derived straight from hate for me that I just have to let not bother me. Its strange that I do not have the hate in my heart for someone that put me through the things he did but I can honestly say I don't. He makes me angry sometimes with the way he does our daughter and the dishonest things he has said about me during and after the divorce, but for the most part, I don't let him steal my joy away. I believe that things come around for the better for those that seek to do good. I believe that unkind acts will come to light at just the right time for all to see. I can have peace without needing to extract vengeance of my own. It all works out in time.
With all that, I can honestly say I have been through just about everything as far as divorce. I have been through a peaceful separation and divorce and I have been through a tumultuous one as well. I hope to never experience either again in my lifetime.
Recently, I was lucky enough to find a love that is healthy and rewarding. My husband is a man that I never knew could really exist. He is wonderful in so many ways and of course we have our days where we get aggravated at life's challenges and take it out on each other, but we remember that we are in this together and we have are lucky to have found each other. We have a gorgeous and healthy little girl that completes our already wonderful family and we are trying to instill moral values in our children so that they can grow up and be productive and kind members of society. I have someone that relishes in that role with me and gives 100% to all 3 of our children so that they have stability and love surrounding them.
Divorce is bad and I do not advocate giving up on your marriage because it isn't fun anymore or because there is someone else that has caught your attention. When divorce is imminent, and you have given everything you have to avoid it, move on in a healthy way. You are not truly past the hurt if you still have ill feelings towards your ex-spouse. You can say you are all you want, but that is the true test. When all animosity is gone, you have truly moved on in life. Don't use children as your weapon against your ex, it only hurts the children and comes back to bite you in the end. It might feel good for the second you do it, but days, months or even years later, you will see that you only hurt yourself.
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Thanks for such an honest post. I too have been through 2 divorces. Sometimes it makes me sick thinking about that. I guess it's easier for me in a way because I never had any children with my exes. I have run in to them over the years, and I can honestly say I have no ill feelings about them. I wish them well. My marriage I am in now is probably the hardest marriage I've had. I know satan is trying to destroy this family, because of our devotion to God, but he will not win. We are committed to God and to each other, no matter what satan brings our way.
ReplyDeleteSo now that I wrote my own post here....
:o)
Third time's a charm eh? ;o)
Im sorry for all the pain you have been through. Im sure, even though a second divorce is not what you set out for, it is what is best for you and the kids.
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