Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Easter is tough this year.
Tomorrow is Easter.. A day for amazing and spectacular church services, new outfits, egg hunt extravaganzas , family time and of course lots of chocolate eggs and bunnies.
For me its about something different..Its about missing my parents.. 12 years ago tomorrow, I lost my father and 3 days after that on April 27th I lost my mother too. April has always been a rough month for me. I have always tried to breeze through this month and wish it away. I was 20 when I lost them both. I was married with an infant and though I was gone from home, I was still very close to my family. I was raised an only child and we were a very close-knit family. My mother could not have children and she always dreamed of having a houseful of babies.. When I was born, my mother got her chance to raise the child she had always wanted and when I was 5 months old, they adopted me and brought me home. They always told me I was adopted and was introduced to my BM (birth mother) when I was a young child. I think looking back now that it had to be hard for my mom especially because she had to worry that I would have feelings of wanting to know what my life would be like if I had stayed with my BM. She still encouraged me to have a relationship with my BM. It was easy to have contact with that part of my life because my BM and my mom were sisters. My parents sheltered me from lots of life's issues and you could tell that they took their role in raising me with great pride.
I always knew they were there for me, no matter what crazy thing I did as a teenager. They always looked at me as a blessing and I felt that my whole childhood. I miss them terribly now, I want to be able to pick up the phone and call them. I want them to see my oldest (the only one they ever knew) I want them to meet Emma and hold Riley Claire. I want them to hold me too. I would love to sit in my daddy's lap and just listen to him breathe. To smell them again would be ideal. I just miss them in all ways.
Last week, I found a box that contained old videos. I had not watched them in probably 10 years. I thought I had lost them in my move from my divorce. I could have sat and watched them for hours. It was so comforting to hear their voices. One of the tapes had been damaged over the years and the video rolled where the picture was almost unwatchable. The audio was still good though and I remember thinking if this was all I had was the sound of their voices, that was fine with me. I wish I could talk to them. I wish I could spend holidays with them. I miss them more and more. Although it is easier now that such time has passed. I have lived almost my entire adult life without them, it is still hard. There are times when I need their advice, I need time with them. I want them to see where I am now and where I ended up. I think they would be proud of how my family has grown.
While looking through the box, I found a memory book I made with lots of pictures of my parents. I also found something I wrote so that I would always have the memories of those last days with them. Here it is, written a few months after they passed away.
In Memory of J.C. & Susie Salters
On April 11th, 1999, my life changed drastically. I will never forget the phone call that changed my life forever. My parents had been in an accident on the way to my house. We had a tradition on Sunday's that we visited my parent's home on Sundays and this particular Sunday, I didn't feel like getting out of the house, so I asked them to come to mine. When I hung up the phone, the next few minutes were a blur. I prayed the whole way to the hospital that they were wrong. Then as I had to pass the scene of the accident, I just prayed they would be alive when I got there. The Lord answered my prayer that day, when we got there, they were holding on with all they had. I'll never forget the feeling I had as I walked through the hospital as though i was in slow motion. They told me that they were both critical, but stable. I broke down right there in front of everyone. I could not believe my Mom and Dad could be hurt and that there was a chance that the sounds of their voices might never be heard again. The next few days were even more of a blur. I spend day and night in the SICU waiting room, bathing in the sink in the wee hours of the morning, so that no one would walk in on me. My mom came in and out of sedation those first few days and my father stayed unresponsive. The 1st time that I was able to communicate with my mom, (She could not speak because she was on a ventilator) she wrote my dad's name in my hand and wanted to know where he was. It broke my heart to see all the pain that she was in and for her she was still mainly concerned about my dad. I told her that he was very sick, but under the circumstances, he was doing well. (I might have fibbed a little on that one). Days later when my dad woke up, I told him my mom was fighting like champ just 9 doors down and he just smiled, because he knew she was being herself, always strong and quick to take care of everyone else. The days dragged on until 11 days after the accident, things took an awful turn for the worse. I went in to see my parents like I always did at the 5:30 visiting time and that would be the last time I ever saw a smile on his face. I had taken a picture of my daughter Brooke in and told him, he better get up and get to feeling better because she wanted to come to their house and spend the night. He smiled the biggest grin and I kissed him good-bye till the next visiting time. Little did I know that would be our last "conversation". The doctors pulled me in a little while after I left and told me that my dad had suffered from a heart attack and was gone for 20 minutes before they could revive him. They were going to run some tests to see if there was any brain activity but it didn't look good. I remember when they did the first test, they told us no brain activity was found. I asked for another, i remember telling them I would pay out of pocket right there, I didn't know how much this test was and didn't care. I just needed another one to be sure. They did 2 more EEGs and still nothing. I tried to regain myself and figure out what decision was right, and what he would want himself. I needed my mother, she needed to be the one to make this decision, but it was just me at 20 years old. After 2 days, I finally made the decision to let him go, after much thought and consideration. I went in and talked to him before they turned off the machines and I told him he had fought long enough and it was time to go and be with the Lord. I'll never forget telling him to go into the light, that the light had peace and comfort and he would be happy there. I walked out of that room and went straight to my mother's room and stayed with her while they turned off his machines. I couldn't stay in there, I needed to be with my mom. She was in a medically induced coma at this point and I needed to just be with her. The nurses came to tell me he went peacefully and I remember thinking that I would wake up from this nightmare and it would all be over.
The next couple of days were getting worse for mom, her liver stopped functioning and so did her kidneys. I knew then she was trying to go be with my dad. The nurses came to me again on the 3rd day after my dad died and told me that even with the life support machines, she was trying to go on her own. They told me I needed to be with her as much as possible because they didn't think she would hold on much longer. I walked in her room that night on April 27th and I had a very long mother/daughter talk with her. I told her that she had fought some tough battles and that she was more of a person that I could ever dream to be. I told her my dad and some very "special" friends were watching over her and they were waiting on her to come be with them. I told her to go into the light also and to watch for dad because he was already there waiting on her. I'll never forget the sound of the machine when her heart stopped beating. I stayed there for awhile longer, finally making myself let go. It's hard to let go when you know it is truly the last time you will ever see someone. I kissed her good-bye forever and took the clip someone had made for her out of her hair an squeezed her hand.
They days after that I felt cheated and that God had not answered my prayers. I was angry and I was confused. It was not until month's later that I realized that I asked God to heal them and he did just that. He gave them the "ultimate healing" and he took them home. One of these days I will see them again and I am waiting on the day where I can hug them again. Until then I will remember the good times.
One day it will be my turn to go into the light and I hope that my life makes an impact the way theirs did. They will live on in me forever and never be forgotten.
For me its about something different..Its about missing my parents.. 12 years ago tomorrow, I lost my father and 3 days after that on April 27th I lost my mother too. April has always been a rough month for me. I have always tried to breeze through this month and wish it away. I was 20 when I lost them both. I was married with an infant and though I was gone from home, I was still very close to my family. I was raised an only child and we were a very close-knit family. My mother could not have children and she always dreamed of having a houseful of babies.. When I was born, my mother got her chance to raise the child she had always wanted and when I was 5 months old, they adopted me and brought me home. They always told me I was adopted and was introduced to my BM (birth mother) when I was a young child. I think looking back now that it had to be hard for my mom especially because she had to worry that I would have feelings of wanting to know what my life would be like if I had stayed with my BM. She still encouraged me to have a relationship with my BM. It was easy to have contact with that part of my life because my BM and my mom were sisters. My parents sheltered me from lots of life's issues and you could tell that they took their role in raising me with great pride.
I always knew they were there for me, no matter what crazy thing I did as a teenager. They always looked at me as a blessing and I felt that my whole childhood. I miss them terribly now, I want to be able to pick up the phone and call them. I want them to see my oldest (the only one they ever knew) I want them to meet Emma and hold Riley Claire. I want them to hold me too. I would love to sit in my daddy's lap and just listen to him breathe. To smell them again would be ideal. I just miss them in all ways.
Last week, I found a box that contained old videos. I had not watched them in probably 10 years. I thought I had lost them in my move from my divorce. I could have sat and watched them for hours. It was so comforting to hear their voices. One of the tapes had been damaged over the years and the video rolled where the picture was almost unwatchable. The audio was still good though and I remember thinking if this was all I had was the sound of their voices, that was fine with me. I wish I could talk to them. I wish I could spend holidays with them. I miss them more and more. Although it is easier now that such time has passed. I have lived almost my entire adult life without them, it is still hard. There are times when I need their advice, I need time with them. I want them to see where I am now and where I ended up. I think they would be proud of how my family has grown.
While looking through the box, I found a memory book I made with lots of pictures of my parents. I also found something I wrote so that I would always have the memories of those last days with them. Here it is, written a few months after they passed away.
In Memory of J.C. & Susie Salters
On April 11th, 1999, my life changed drastically. I will never forget the phone call that changed my life forever. My parents had been in an accident on the way to my house. We had a tradition on Sunday's that we visited my parent's home on Sundays and this particular Sunday, I didn't feel like getting out of the house, so I asked them to come to mine. When I hung up the phone, the next few minutes were a blur. I prayed the whole way to the hospital that they were wrong. Then as I had to pass the scene of the accident, I just prayed they would be alive when I got there. The Lord answered my prayer that day, when we got there, they were holding on with all they had. I'll never forget the feeling I had as I walked through the hospital as though i was in slow motion. They told me that they were both critical, but stable. I broke down right there in front of everyone. I could not believe my Mom and Dad could be hurt and that there was a chance that the sounds of their voices might never be heard again. The next few days were even more of a blur. I spend day and night in the SICU waiting room, bathing in the sink in the wee hours of the morning, so that no one would walk in on me. My mom came in and out of sedation those first few days and my father stayed unresponsive. The 1st time that I was able to communicate with my mom, (She could not speak because she was on a ventilator) she wrote my dad's name in my hand and wanted to know where he was. It broke my heart to see all the pain that she was in and for her she was still mainly concerned about my dad. I told her that he was very sick, but under the circumstances, he was doing well. (I might have fibbed a little on that one). Days later when my dad woke up, I told him my mom was fighting like champ just 9 doors down and he just smiled, because he knew she was being herself, always strong and quick to take care of everyone else. The days dragged on until 11 days after the accident, things took an awful turn for the worse. I went in to see my parents like I always did at the 5:30 visiting time and that would be the last time I ever saw a smile on his face. I had taken a picture of my daughter Brooke in and told him, he better get up and get to feeling better because she wanted to come to their house and spend the night. He smiled the biggest grin and I kissed him good-bye till the next visiting time. Little did I know that would be our last "conversation". The doctors pulled me in a little while after I left and told me that my dad had suffered from a heart attack and was gone for 20 minutes before they could revive him. They were going to run some tests to see if there was any brain activity but it didn't look good. I remember when they did the first test, they told us no brain activity was found. I asked for another, i remember telling them I would pay out of pocket right there, I didn't know how much this test was and didn't care. I just needed another one to be sure. They did 2 more EEGs and still nothing. I tried to regain myself and figure out what decision was right, and what he would want himself. I needed my mother, she needed to be the one to make this decision, but it was just me at 20 years old. After 2 days, I finally made the decision to let him go, after much thought and consideration. I went in and talked to him before they turned off the machines and I told him he had fought long enough and it was time to go and be with the Lord. I'll never forget telling him to go into the light, that the light had peace and comfort and he would be happy there. I walked out of that room and went straight to my mother's room and stayed with her while they turned off his machines. I couldn't stay in there, I needed to be with my mom. She was in a medically induced coma at this point and I needed to just be with her. The nurses came to tell me he went peacefully and I remember thinking that I would wake up from this nightmare and it would all be over.
The next couple of days were getting worse for mom, her liver stopped functioning and so did her kidneys. I knew then she was trying to go be with my dad. The nurses came to me again on the 3rd day after my dad died and told me that even with the life support machines, she was trying to go on her own. They told me I needed to be with her as much as possible because they didn't think she would hold on much longer. I walked in her room that night on April 27th and I had a very long mother/daughter talk with her. I told her that she had fought some tough battles and that she was more of a person that I could ever dream to be. I told her my dad and some very "special" friends were watching over her and they were waiting on her to come be with them. I told her to go into the light also and to watch for dad because he was already there waiting on her. I'll never forget the sound of the machine when her heart stopped beating. I stayed there for awhile longer, finally making myself let go. It's hard to let go when you know it is truly the last time you will ever see someone. I kissed her good-bye forever and took the clip someone had made for her out of her hair an squeezed her hand.
They days after that I felt cheated and that God had not answered my prayers. I was angry and I was confused. It was not until month's later that I realized that I asked God to heal them and he did just that. He gave them the "ultimate healing" and he took them home. One of these days I will see them again and I am waiting on the day where I can hug them again. Until then I will remember the good times.
One day it will be my turn to go into the light and I hope that my life makes an impact the way theirs did. They will live on in me forever and never be forgotten.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
"transparency"
I recently read a post in Blogland about transparency. I read about in the 1st paragraph the mother was talking about typical tween issues between her and her daughter. I can totally relate to that subject! Being a mother to not 1, not 2, but 3 girls, I can sympathize and will be able to for years to come. The 2nd paragraph went on to say that we should be more "transparent" and that she thinks its sad to see people's blogs and facebooks say that they have perfect marriages and perfect children when she knows the "real" truth. It goes on to say that people should stop pretending to have these things and to stop hiding behind the Internet! I was SHOCKED to read this!!
Where in the bible does it say we should criticize other people's lives and say that they are "fake" because they profess to have well behaved children and wonderful husbands!
Luke 6:37 “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;
Maybe in some people's own minds, their children are "perfect angels" and their husbands are just as wonderful as they type about on their blogs and facebook updates! I myself, think my husband is pretty darn fabulous! I had to go thru some nasty things in my last marriage to fully embrace and appreciate the man my husband is or I might not be so thankful! I don't feel like I am fake because I say from time to time how wonderful I think he is! I do feel that way and don't have any reason to blog or facebook otherwise, bc those of you that don't know me personally, wouldn't give it a 2nd thought and those of you that do know me, most of you know what a great man I married!! He's def the better half!! :-)
Now with that being said, He does have some things that I drive me a little wacky sometimes, like the fact that he is TRULY OBSESSED with electronics! lol!! He likes all the newest gadgets and I think his days off and weekends off are not complete without a trip to the Apple store or to Best Buy! He is always showing me new apps for our Iphones or his Ipad2 that I just don't get! I would rather spend money on things I can feel or see all the time, not just when I turn on my gadgets! ;-) I kid with him pretty often and he takes it all in stride! I know the man would give the shirt off his back to help someone in need, so its hard not to let him enjoy his hobbies, even if they are a tad extreme! We are talking about the man that just a few months ago, wanted an xbox and when Best Buy was having a bundle sale..We ended up with an x-box AND a 42in LG tv for the bedroom. All I could do was smile, because I knew the TV was coming home with us anyway! I have learned to be frugal and stretch money when I can and he is always coming home with MORE birthday presents for the girls, when I have already spent the limit that I feel is appropriate! The kids like for him to shop for Christmas and birthdays more than they like me too! :-)
My kids are pretty darn great too, if I say so, myself!! My oldest is a sweet and caring child and is eager to please in most everything she does! Her academics have always been a challenge and she just doesn't apply herself. She would rather chat with her friends about whats going on in school and for that she has landed herself on restrictions just this week, because her grades have fallen! My youngest has always excelled academically and loves school, so for her, its alot easier! She is my sassy one, though and she doesn't think twice about spouting off at the mouth whenever she feels like it. Its something we work on and will continue to do until she is grown, I am sure of it! My kids are not perfect, my husband is not perfect but they are mine and they were "hand-picked" just for me as I an imperfect one myself, for them.
Now with all that being said, I didn't feel the need to say some things about my children or husband to show they have things about them that I feel are not perfect, it is not about that. My kids do things sometimes that make me want to crawl in a hole but I know that my job is ongoing in making them be the best they can be and that's why I am here!
Finally, my fellow bloggers, if you don't blog about less favorable things that your family does, I don't think you are being fake. Not that anyone is really living their life or writing their blog based on what I think anyway, but you know what I am saying! If any of you have mouthy 8 year olds, or 12 yr olds that are not applying themselves to their full potential because they would rather be talking to friends in school, then LEARNING while they are there or you have a 14 month old that has STILL not started walking (GASP!!!) I am right there with you....day to day. :-)
Where in the bible does it say we should criticize other people's lives and say that they are "fake" because they profess to have well behaved children and wonderful husbands!
Luke 6:37 “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;
Maybe in some people's own minds, their children are "perfect angels" and their husbands are just as wonderful as they type about on their blogs and facebook updates! I myself, think my husband is pretty darn fabulous! I had to go thru some nasty things in my last marriage to fully embrace and appreciate the man my husband is or I might not be so thankful! I don't feel like I am fake because I say from time to time how wonderful I think he is! I do feel that way and don't have any reason to blog or facebook otherwise, bc those of you that don't know me personally, wouldn't give it a 2nd thought and those of you that do know me, most of you know what a great man I married!! He's def the better half!! :-)
Now with that being said, He does have some things that I drive me a little wacky sometimes, like the fact that he is TRULY OBSESSED with electronics! lol!! He likes all the newest gadgets and I think his days off and weekends off are not complete without a trip to the Apple store or to Best Buy! He is always showing me new apps for our Iphones or his Ipad2 that I just don't get! I would rather spend money on things I can feel or see all the time, not just when I turn on my gadgets! ;-) I kid with him pretty often and he takes it all in stride! I know the man would give the shirt off his back to help someone in need, so its hard not to let him enjoy his hobbies, even if they are a tad extreme! We are talking about the man that just a few months ago, wanted an xbox and when Best Buy was having a bundle sale..We ended up with an x-box AND a 42in LG tv for the bedroom. All I could do was smile, because I knew the TV was coming home with us anyway! I have learned to be frugal and stretch money when I can and he is always coming home with MORE birthday presents for the girls, when I have already spent the limit that I feel is appropriate! The kids like for him to shop for Christmas and birthdays more than they like me too! :-)
My kids are pretty darn great too, if I say so, myself!! My oldest is a sweet and caring child and is eager to please in most everything she does! Her academics have always been a challenge and she just doesn't apply herself. She would rather chat with her friends about whats going on in school and for that she has landed herself on restrictions just this week, because her grades have fallen! My youngest has always excelled academically and loves school, so for her, its alot easier! She is my sassy one, though and she doesn't think twice about spouting off at the mouth whenever she feels like it. Its something we work on and will continue to do until she is grown, I am sure of it! My kids are not perfect, my husband is not perfect but they are mine and they were "hand-picked" just for me as I an imperfect one myself, for them.
Now with all that being said, I didn't feel the need to say some things about my children or husband to show they have things about them that I feel are not perfect, it is not about that. My kids do things sometimes that make me want to crawl in a hole but I know that my job is ongoing in making them be the best they can be and that's why I am here!
Finally, my fellow bloggers, if you don't blog about less favorable things that your family does, I don't think you are being fake. Not that anyone is really living their life or writing their blog based on what I think anyway, but you know what I am saying! If any of you have mouthy 8 year olds, or 12 yr olds that are not applying themselves to their full potential because they would rather be talking to friends in school, then LEARNING while they are there or you have a 14 month old that has STILL not started walking (GASP!!!) I am right there with you....day to day. :-)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
My mini-me...
Does anyone else have a mini me?? The one on the left is my oldest. She is a mirror image of me!!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Fun weekend!
It's Sunday and a day to relax around our house for me anyway. My poor husband is at work. I hate that he has to work Sundays sometimes but that's retail for you and it pays the bills so what can I say. He is home more than he is not on Sundays so we just accept it and go on.
This weekend started off rough for me. I had a TERRIBLE headache starting Thursday night and it only got worse on Friday. I came home from work early and laid down and slept for a couple of hours and seemed to have knocked it out, only to wake up on Saturday with it back again. :-( I took some sinus meds and it was gone again and for good so far. :-) Saturday afternoon, B&E both had friends come over for sleepover. I felt bad being alazy sick momma.. ( My kids probably view is as lazy when you don't feel good. :-) We ate our weight in pizza and then headed to Wal-mart to load up on snacks for the movies.. Does anyone else remember doing that as a kid? When you figure that the movies charges $8 for a box of candy and a coke and I had 4 girls to buy for on top of movie tickets! Can you blame me for smuggling it in the movies in my purse? lol. I think my kids thought I was crazy. Usually, we always buy our snacks @ the movies, but again with twice the kids I usually buy for, you have to be cheap creative. We headed to the movies and walked around Bridgestreet, which is like a huge outdoor mall, with upscale shopping and a fabulous movie theater. We parked at one end so we could walk and enjoy the outside, since it has been more like winter the past week than spring. The girls stopped for photo ops by one of the many fountains and then we headed off to the movie. We saw
and it was just as cute and funny as the 1st one. :-) After the movie, we stopped @ the grocery store for breakfast items, since I had not felt like going anytime before. After corralling 4 hyper girls through the grocery store, we finally ended up at home. The girls played and finally @ midnight, I got everyone down for bedtime, turned on Alice In Wonderland and tucked myself in bed. I was one tired momma by that time.
This morning, I woke up before the girls, I was super surprised at that since they normally wake me up on the weekends. I made pancakes and little girls starting to stir..Food does that ya know. After breakfast, Emma's friend had to leave for church but Emma went with her which made her super happy to be able to spend more time with her friend. Brooke and her friend watched a scary movie and then we headed off for some shopping before taking B's friend home and back to our house to wait on Emma to get home.
Emma got home just a bit ago, so my children are all home and their friends are all back at their house and the weekend is coming to a close. I am going to put my feet up for a bit and wait on my sweet hubby to get home. I hope everyone had a great weekend!
This weekend started off rough for me. I had a TERRIBLE headache starting Thursday night and it only got worse on Friday. I came home from work early and laid down and slept for a couple of hours and seemed to have knocked it out, only to wake up on Saturday with it back again. :-( I took some sinus meds and it was gone again and for good so far. :-) Saturday afternoon, B&E both had friends come over for sleepover. I felt bad being a
and it was just as cute and funny as the 1st one. :-) After the movie, we stopped @ the grocery store for breakfast items, since I had not felt like going anytime before. After corralling 4 hyper girls through the grocery store, we finally ended up at home. The girls played and finally @ midnight, I got everyone down for bedtime, turned on Alice In Wonderland and tucked myself in bed. I was one tired momma by that time.
This morning, I woke up before the girls, I was super surprised at that since they normally wake me up on the weekends. I made pancakes and little girls starting to stir..Food does that ya know. After breakfast, Emma's friend had to leave for church but Emma went with her which made her super happy to be able to spend more time with her friend. Brooke and her friend watched a scary movie and then we headed off for some shopping before taking B's friend home and back to our house to wait on Emma to get home.
Emma got home just a bit ago, so my children are all home and their friends are all back at their house and the weekend is coming to a close. I am going to put my feet up for a bit and wait on my sweet hubby to get home. I hope everyone had a great weekend!
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